Live in the Present

We all have heard about this multiple times – live in the present, forget the past, who knows about the future, why worry about it and so on. What does this mean? Can we really forget the past? Can we really not do anything about the future? I did prod multiple times on this and then could think of something which explained much of this to me.

I believe that when we were born God offered us a pencil. In the early parts of our life many people around us used this pencil to write about our life, deciding on what we should and should not do, what’s right, what’s wrong and many other such beliefs were ingrained. When we grew a bit older we started using the pencil ourselves, albeit with caution, not sure the best way to use it. We wrote our life bit from what had been ingrained till now and bit on what we heard was best.

A bit more years into our life we now understood somewhat better on what God had offered us – a pencil that helps us on the path of our life. We started using the pencil, making the path for our life. We made mistakes and wanted to erase them. But we were unable to undo our mistakes. At these times our pencil also did not write well and we wondered why. At other times we wrote too fast, wanting to go ahead and leave everyone behind. The pencil then broke. It took us a long time to find ways to sharpen it and bring it to shape. Slowly we started learning to use the pencil appropriately.

There will come a moment when we all learn the real meaning of the pencil – the one we hold in our hand, the one that no one else can use. How we use the pencil best will define the gist of our remaining life.

We will learn that the pencil’s best use is to write and even draw a beautiful present.

We will understand that we need to learn from the past, not forgetting our mistakes – God did not provide us the eraser as he did not want us to erase the past. Of course, we will still make mistakes. But we will learn to learn from them and become better.

At times we will write too fast, too excited to make the present best. The pencil will then become blunt and the present hazy. We will need a sharpener – but God has not provided this too. We will then need to find ways to sharpen the pencil. It will take some time to start writing clearly again.

At other times we will think too much about the future and try write about it in a way that will spoil the present. The pencil will break. We will now need to find more ways to sharpen it. This time it will be harder and will takes us longer to bring the pencil back to shape.

 

The best use of the pencil of life is to write a great present, learning from the past and carving the way for a satisfying future.

Where was I?

So where was I? It has been couple of years since I posted something. And it is not that life hasn’t taught me anything during this time – every moment is a new learning! However at times when life is busy teaching you and you are busy learning, the time to sit back, reflect and share is hard to find.

I hope to change this and share with you more frequently some amazing things I learn from life, everyday! Hope you will read and share your learning as well with me.

Meanwhile, sit back, relax and share your thoughts on some of my earlier posts 🙂

I am glad I am not a woman

Okay, this does seem to be a male chauvinist statement. But it is not. Women are obviously more superior to men. So why am I glad to not be born as one?

If I was born a woman… wait let’s go back a bit. If I was conceived as a woman, I had many chances of not being born at all. I might have been killed in the womb itself. Now, if I was born a woman, maybe people would not have been as happy. ‘Oh no, a girl child! Burden!’ They may have thought. If I was lucky, I would have survived the initial unhappiness. I would have avoided the risk of being dumped after birth.

If I was growing up as woman, I would have spent most of my childhood with constant reminders around what-not-to-wear, how-not-to-sit-or-stand, who-not-to-play-with, and many other such things making me realize how unsafe the world is for me. During the growing years, I would have also needed lots of luck to keep my innocence intact, to survive any child abuse, from those close to me or unknown.

As a grown up woman, I would have struggled to explain the need of getting good education – equally (or more) important to what a man would need. More because a man with less educated can still survive doing a low-wage job, but a woman with no or low education will be either married very young or will struggle very hard to find a job where it is more about the job and not about her being a woman. And of course, as a grown up woman, I would have faced so many instances of two-legged dogs staring with their tongues out or barking as if I am nothing beyond two B’s and a V.

I can continue on this. The problems I would have faced in my job (made fun of me being dumb if I struggle or thoughts of me giving / getting some favors if I do well). The problems of being married (adjusting to how my in-laws want me to be not how I have lived many years with my parents, doing everything exactly as and when my husband wants, answering questions like ‘will I work after marriage’, ‘why will I not work after marriage’, ‘when will I have kids’ (and if I don’t want to then clarifying talks about me being unable to),  ‘who will take care of kids if I work’, and so on). Problems of being a woman in a man-preferred world.

A woman is very special. She is a bearer of life, she is the cause of love. But she is not treated as special. All she sees is a crazy world. The world of inequality, low mindset, and of disgrace towards woman. I am glad of not being born a woman, and I am ashamed of what a woman faces everyday.

 I write this with hope. Hope of us realizing the importance of women. Hope of us respecting women more than anything else. Hope that ‘few’ of us do not make entire mankind ashamed. Hope of us becoming human. Hope of us wanting to be born as women.

Its all about managing the expectations

I want to go to work and have certain set things to do, plus have some new challenges to look at, I want the team to perform exceptionally and want them to work cohesively as a family, I want my boss to know all the work I am doing and how I am doing it, I want my kids to be the best in studies and in other things extra curricular, want my wife to manage everything (somehow), I want my friends to be there whenever I need them, I want to have time for myself, I want… I want… I want. It is a difficult world out there and no one seems to understand what I want.

But wait, how do anyone know what I want? Did I talk to them about it? Maybe I did. But did I make sure they understood and agreed? Maybe not. Did I check what they wanted? To some extent, probably.

When I am going out to eat, on what basis do I choose a restaurant? When I go out to see a movie, which one do I choose? When I am shopping, where do I go and what brands do I look for? Why do I term certain things and people as my favorite? Somewhere they would have done something to make me happy? Maybe they met my expectations?

Somehow life seems to be all about this right now. Expectations and managing them. To me expectation is simply defined as something I look forward to, something I anticipate to happen in a certain way. It does not mean that I will get exactly what you expected. This will depend on what I did to ensure it happens in a certain way, the way which is good for me as well as those related. It should be a win-win for all not a win for me.

I am learning that it all starts with a simple communication. For example my children telling me that they will only eat dinner if they have their favorite show on, and then us parents negotiating around the time they should spend before or after dinner watching TV. Or at work all of us setting our objectives / goals for the year in office and then working towards them (I think most organizations measure end of the year performance by stating if someone met, exceeded or did-not-meet the expectations set). Even with my wife, when I argue it is probably because I expected her to do something in a certain way while she wanted me to do it in other way – we did not communicate in advance and then we argue when we did not meet each other’s expectations.

I realize that no one is a mind reader; not my family, not my co-workers, and not me. Unless I clearly communicate what is expected nothing will work.
Also people are different, they are wired in a unique way and will do things like no one else will. Look at films. No one knows which film will work. So the new formula is to spend thousands on in-our-face marketing about the film. No matter how crappy a film is, now-a-days if it is marketed well, it raises the expectations, and initial few days of footfall helps in cash flows. Or look at how marketing for any product works for that matter – why do people buy fairness creams, not because it will work but because we see painted models and our expectations are raised, maybe we will become as beautiful as them one day?

Once we have communicated about the expectations, they next step for me would be to communicate more. This is to make sure that I have regular connections. For example, at work we would have regular meetings to check how a person or team is progressing. Or at home, when my wife has asked me to do something she would constantly check with me if i am on plan or not till it is done.

There are of course other aspects of expectation management and it differs on basis of conditions and scenarios but in general it is about knowing the capabilities of all those involved in the related task, setting clear and realistic expectations that are agreed by all, and then having regular honest communications around the task.

Managing expectation is all about eliminating the gap between what was expected and what actually happened.

What do you do to manage expectations? What stories you have around expectations not being met?

The Green teaches so much…

During my recent trip to Seattle, my friend took me to couple of trips to State Parks. State Parks are well maintained and government protected area that reserves the plants and animals within a specific boundary. Within each state park, you will find miles and miles of greenery and freshness. And you will learn so much from spending a few minutes there…

I learnt that

  • trees have the most important role on our planet – they have lived for years, since before anything else has, they continuously adapt and adopt to the changes
  • trees support so many things around them – other trees, smaller plants and fungi, animals, and of course humans (even the water bodies around it in some cases)
  • even after they die and fall down, they continue to support the system – allowing more trees and plants to grow on them
  • a walk in one such park, can remove so many impurities from your body and make you feel fresh
I hope to spend more time in such parks in India, walking, seeing, listening, admiring how the green is keeping us all alive and teaching so much on adapting to change, supporting others and making everyone around us feel good!

Have you had the green teach you something? I would love to know…

Our journey is the difference…

One visit to such a place brings all the reality in front of our eyes. Bodies being cremated all around us tell us only one truth – everyone has the same destination.

Realization sets in. What is the purpose of our life? When the destination is same, what is the difference between us and others? I guess, it is the journey.

We all live. ‘How’ is what makes us different. When we die, the world will go on. It will get affected, but it will still go on. The degree in which it affects some versus others will surely vary. The ones really close to us will be most affected, they will feel most pain. What matters is how it also affects others.

Before we die, let’s make sure the life we are living is worth it. Let’s make sure we touch others in such a way that our death is mourned once, and the life we lived celebrated every year, for many years.

Why are we emotionally different at work and home?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to monitor and control the emotions of self and of others in order to guide the thinking and actions. This ability has been widely discussed and recognized as one of the most important traits a person can build in order to be successful.

I have seen people with great emotional quotient (EQ – measurement that shows how emotionally intelligent you are), as well as awful EQ. And I have seen it both at work and in my personal life. Now, after being working for many years and also living with family for many years, I started to notice that my EQ at work was different from my EQ at home. And in general, it was much lower at home than at office. Though in some areas home EQ scored more than work EQ (like being more stringent with people, like talking about improvement areas).

Let me give you few examples of the home v/s work EQ differences for me.

  • At home, I like to have “doing nothing” time. I cannot afford to do that at work.
  • At work, when someone makes a mistake, I don’t scold him. I try to find the reason behind it and then work together to help resolve it. At home, I become angry and blame the person for it.
  • At work, I never get angry. And even when I do, I try to not show it and try to become calmer fast. At home, I get angry easily and instead of getting calmer, I get angrier on any form of opposition.
  • At work, self is not before others or tasks. At home, the ego is sometimes bigger than everything.

I have two different theories behind this.

  • First, the differences are due to us not putting the same effort at home to improve our EQ as we do at work. At home, we take things for granted. At work, our image, task at hand, and other things don’t leave room for letting it loose. The reality is that the stakes are equally high at home. How you react in different circumstances impacts the behaviour and relationship of your family with you and each other; it impacts the future growth and, learning of your children. And many other such things.
  • Second, our connection levels with people at home are very different as compared to the connections at work. At home, we laugh louder, cry, show anger, and speak different language. At work all this either does not happen at all or is very-very rare. At home we feel more emotions. At work you ignore more emotions, especially the negative ones – where you have to receive or give bad news or negative / improvement feedback.

Right now I am trying to balance my overall EQ. It is a tough job. I need to find ways to easily say things at work that may look like bad, but is intended to improve someone. I need to let loose sometimes at work. I need to always bring others and task before self at home. I need to speak in a better, more loving and caring way with everyone at home. I need to do so much!

Then I also think I might also need a third place to release the energy that builds in due to controlling all the emotions. Where can I go to shout out loud, bang some doors, cry? Is there a better place for all this than home? Eh?

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Prejudice versus preparation?

Many times in our life, we come across situations when we are prejudiced towards some thing, when we should actually have prepared for it.

Prejudice is a preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience. In other words, it is a prejudgment, an assumption made about someone or something before having adequate knowledge to be able to do so with guaranteed accuracy. It makes us partial and prevents objective consideration of an issue or situation

Preparation on the other hand is the action or process of making ready or being made ready for use or consideration. Here in advance we set in order some act or purpose. It is the cognitive process of thinking about what you will do in the event of something happening.

Prejudice is built based on what we hear from others and believe to be true or worst, what we just assume based on our liking. How many people you know who are biased towards a set of people, for example gender or caste? Is there a basis for this? When someone you don’t know wants to have a discussion with you, and someone told you that that person was difficult to deal with, do you make assumptions and start thinking negative even before the first dialogue?

Preparation, on the other hand, comes with experience and is mastered with practice. How many of us prepare for an exam? All I suspect. No one would not study and assume that they will pass. How many of us prepare for the future? Most I think. Those who don’t thinking ‘we should live in the present, who knows what happens in the future’ or ‘I will start saving tomorrow, let me live fullest today’ – repent and suffer later. How many of us prepare for a meeting or a discussion? Not many. If it is a casual discussion, it is okay. However, it is an important / critical one, such people are slaughtered during discussion.

Prejudice may apply to many things – food, people (race, gender), culture, language, etc. It is impossible in practice that anyone can avoid having prejudices. In growing up, we catch them as we catch pimples and diseases, but the effect is much worse. In a more refined and philosophical sense, it is absurd to suppose that we should be without prejudice. Proof for things are not always available. And perception is normal as it helps in our initial thinking about things. As long as we know how we use this effectively and to our advantage, causing no harm to others, prejudgement may make our thinking process better.

When we are prejudiced, it is much more important that we prepare for things. When we prepare, we are not sure of the outcomes but better prepared for it. For example, if we share a bad news, one reaction that comes to our mind is that the receiving person will cry (being further prejudicing it by assuming that if it is a woman, then surely they will cry). We can either go ahead with sharing the news anyways or prepare ourselves better for it – example, depending on the news we could modify our style of delivering the news so that it sounds less negative.

Prejudice cannot see the things that are because it is always looking for things that aren’t

Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.

I am better prepared about this from my experiences. Think about the recent situations that you had, professionally or personally. Were you biased / prejudiced about it beforehand? Or did you prepare well to make sure you tackle it the was you want?

Have a problem? Talk.

I often wondered why people talk so much. Wasn’t listening the best skill one could acquire? Only now I know that listening is surely a good skill, especially if you ‘actively listen’. However, when someone only listens and does not talk, problems becomes larger.

I was produced with a set of wiring that made me listen more than talk. At times this skill was useful (especially when I wanted to look interested but could switch off internally), but many times I was labeled as a ‘bore’ due to lack of interaction. Now, after years of trying to set the wires correctly, I talk appropriately and listen actively. At times the wiring resets itself and I go into the ‘listen-only’ mode (some times purposely), but I have learnt to come out of it quickly.

Yesterday at work I was finding it difficult to find solution for a problem – develop a new product using a new cutting edge technology. Over last week the problem had been in the back of my mind and I had suggested some solutions to the team. None seemed to be working – the team was trained but just could not find the right path. During one of my casual interactions with someone senior to me, I mentioned the problem to him (when asked ‘hows it going’). The discussion just resulted in him pointing me to couple of experience people who could help me with the problem. Those people had worked on a similar problem and were available to help. Today the team is in a better shape to find the solution. The door for communication with the senior person was always open for me. I am not sure why I did not talk to him earlier.

Last Tuesday at home I got up with ‘listen-only’ setting. Silently I did my freshen-up activities, read my newspaper and told my wife ‘I am working from home’. ‘Don’t feel like doing anything’ was my response to ‘why’. My wife talked about various things at breakfast, but all she got was ‘hmm’, ‘yes’, ‘no’. Couple of hours later my wife got busier with the household chores. I worked silently during that time and later felt that I was missing something. I walked up to my wife and asked ‘why are you not talking to me’. She said ‘well I tried in the morning but felt that you did not want to talk’. I hugged her and said ‘I surely was not feeling like talking, but I can listen. I promise to be listening more actively.’ She hugged me back, tightly. I worked the entire day, actively listening to her when she came and talked, talking back as well on various things. Not sure why I did not tell her about my feelings earlier.

Couple of small scenarios at work and at home, made me re-learn the importance of talking, and the importance of talking at the right time and with the right person. Problems can be averted by talking.

Do you have any experiences where talking has helped you more than listening? Was there a time when you wondered why you did not talk about it earlier?

Look around. You will learn.

Welcome to our blog! Yes – you read it right. This is ‘our’ blog. I will share my learning from life as it teaches me new things. And so can you.

Look around and you will see a new learning every moment. We learn so much from small things that happen around us. Life is our greatest teacher. It teaches us to be happy as soon as we learn about sadness. It teaches us hope in the times of despair. It teaches us to love, helping us conquer new heights, even when surrounded by hatred.

So, what is it that you learnt from life today? Share and enrich.